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Yearning to Be Heard

Everything I write is just a fraction of the countless words that are constantly running through my head at any given moment. Sometimes, I wish I had all the time in the world just to release them in a more concrete way. Although writing is the most precise way for me to articulate myself, sometimes you have no other choice but to speak, vent even, and let others know how you feel.

When something is bothering me, when there is an issue or conflict, my first instinct is to talk about it. There is no other way to inform someone about how you feel than to simply tell them. That is also the only way to completely hear the acknowledge the other side, fix things, realize where you stand or even show effort. None of us are mind readers, so it's unfair to assume that any other person can know precisely what you think or how you feel and vice versa without any form of communication.

Agreed that sometimes people and situations need their time and space, too much time can be harmful. If you allow too much time to pass by, is there anything left to discuss? People say that time heals all wounds. Time allows you to move on and in some cases, it can create distance.

One of the main reasons that I have been able to keep up with this blog, other than my love and passion for writing and encouraging followers, is my inability to control my focus. If something is bothering me, it bothers me until I fix it. If there's something I need to say, I will butcher it in my head until I get the opportunity to unleash my words and liberate my thoughts.

Even though this trait usually leads to honesty and conflict resolution, it has a downfall. Communication is a two-way street. If I'm writing, it's so someone will read it. If I'm speaking, I need the other person to listen. Keeping my thoughts to myself isn't always an option but is necessary if others aren't willing to make an effort to hear me out. The frustration attained from the inability to express myself is indescribable. The extent of the distress is able to overpower my mind for days.

They say that actions speak louder than words. However, sometimes hearing what you least wanted to and speaking the most difficult words are necessary. Everything else leaves room for interpretation, room for the possibility that things could be different. And sometimes, the lack of actions speak even louder. The silence can sometimes be just as powerful as the words yearning to be heard.


Felt with the Heart

Whether we're in a good mood or a bad mood, whether we feel like we're on top of the world or down in the dumps, we search for someone to share it with. We seek someone to share our joys and sorrows, whether it's a lover or best friend. And I'm guilty of this.

I have a few go-to people of my own, the ones I share everything with. If I make a mistake, they help me fix it. And if I happen to do something right, they help me celebrate. Most of the time, I either need to hear myself vent in order to get my thoughts together or need reassurance that I'm not insane for the things going on inside my head. Although there's nothing wrong with that, since sharing happiness only spreads it and sharing sadness only lessens it, what we often fail to realize is that no one can truly feel what you're feeling.

They often say, "You just had to be there." But the truth is, everyone experiences things in their own way. We all perceive things differently; everything we see and hear is biased by our thoughts, opinions and past experiences.

As far as feelings are concerned, those are even tougher to grasp, out of reach even. You can describe every detail, repeat every spoken word and depict every slight movement or gesture to the one that seems to understand you the most, yet it is impossible for them to identify precisely what occurred during that brief moment in time.

It's often the indescribable details that depict more than words or actions, such as the butterflies in your stomach caused by someone's presence or the pounding of your heart initiated by their gaze. Or the honesty evident on someone's face, the slight glistening in their eyes, the heart-warming smile that makes you melt or the warmth felt by their embrace. Like they say, it's the little things that make the biggest difference.

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

So is it really someone else's place to tell you when to give up or when to keep trying or who's worth the effort and who isn't? Does anyone else truly have the ability to determine what's significant and what isn't? As much as we are all in need of agreement or some sort of consolation, can others really know what's best for you?

Although there's nothing wrong with seeking comfort or advice from the ones we trust, don't let their opinions overpower your own. At the end of the day, you will be the one living with your decisions, no one else.

I have always known what I wanted, and that was every form.

Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.


Beyond Your Form

Lately, I've been struggling with the idea of forgiveness. What's more difficult, seeking forgiveness from the ones you care about or finding the ability to forgive yourself?

In the past, I believed that letting loved ones down was the worst feeling. Although it's definitely at the top of the list, I've realized that unless you are able to forgive yourself, forgiveness from others cannot lead to redemption.

So where exactly is the road to redemption? Can it be found with deep prayer, spending time volunteering at a shelter, a good, sweaty workout or a much-needed heart to heart with some dear friends? Or perhaps a powerful combination of it all. Everyone has different things that work for them, but the only way to move on is to find yourself again. Your true self. Your ideal self. Remind yourself of the person you want to be and work to lift yourself up yet again.

Just as it takes effort to progress and become the person you want to be, it takes effort to gain everything you may desire. Much too often, we convince ourselves that if certain things are meant to be, they'll happen. Sometimes the idea of fate or destiny can serve as a sign of hope but other times, they can just be a display of laziness. If you are able to wait for it to come to you, whether this is due to pride or circumstance, you probably don't want it bad enough. This could also be biased, because I'm beyond impatient and waiting around for something to happen drives me crazy. I feel that if you want something bad enough, you'll go out and make it happen.

I live my life in extremes. And as someone who tends to live their day-to-day life nonchalantly, it takes something or someone remarkable to ignite that passion within me. Only because the passion exists; it's just difficult to display it to the whole world constantly.

And as I found someone who seemed to be worth the effort, I kept wondering why so many things keep getting in the way. And I can't help but think it's some sort of practical joke. Life switching around the roles, making me play the field, either to teach me what it feels like to be on the other side of the table or simply helping me realize that this one might be a keeper, this one just might be it.

Then again, there's only so much one person can do. So where's the fine line between showing effort and trying too hard? Yet another question that I'm currently struggling with. Not because I'm extremely invested in the situation, but because I'm not used to being invested at all. Since I've somehow been able to put myself out there and show effort, I'm forced to believe that this must be the real thing. If you want it bad enough, you'll work for it; but at some point, you have to let go for your own sanity. It can't always be all up to you; sometimes handing the power over to someone else proves to be necessary.

"We all have our nights though, don't be so ashamed. I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know. You've seen all my mistakes, so look me in my eyes."

Speaking of mistakes, I think we all do a remarkable job of making mistakes without the help of vicious rumors, hurtful instigation or false embellishment. However, the people that genuinely care will approach you to hear your side of the story. As for the rest, they would have been a waste of breath anyway. At the end of the day, people will believe what they want, but it just goes to show who was on your side to begin with.

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."


Hand in Hand

Lately, I've been consumed with thoughts about human relationships. What exactly is it that brings people together or tears us apart? Yes, many times it is situational; however, there are times when it feels like there is something stronger that either attracts us toward one another or away from one another.

It amazes me how much we are able to care about people we barely know. We can sit there and replay events in our heads only to over-analyze every word and every move. We can spend hours wondering whether there is a slight chance that our actions are being reciprocated. Yet, meanwhile, we tend to overlook those that care the most about us.

What is it that makes a stranger feel so familiar while others seem to be getting more and more distant? What is it about certain people that make us want what we always ran away from? How is it so hard to let go of something that never even felt significant for a moment yet we are able to magically dismiss what has been holding us back for years?

We go out of our way for those that pay us no attention and don't give a second thought to those that go out of their way for us. At the end of the day, we all want the same things. We want to be surrounded by those that truly care about us. So what is it that makes the chase so desirable?

I have the tendency to always want what I can't have and disregard what is right in front of me. I am currently making a conscience effort to break this ugly habit. Although I'm trying, my heart just doesn't seem to be in it. Isn't there a reason some catch our attention as opposed to others or why some have the ability to have us doing things we normally would not? Just because something looks right on paper doesn't mean it will feel right in the heart.

Leading me to the never-ending battle between the head and the heart. It's not so easy to convince yourself to feel a certain way, just as it isn't easy to make yourself stop feeling a certain way.

"Man is a knot into which relationships are tied."


Empty as the Wind

Far too often we give up simply because we feel that our efforts are not benefiting us in any way. We're in an age of instant gratification. We want what we want and we want it now. Unfortunately, not everything works that way. If you really want something, you will stick with it in hopes of improvement regardless of praise and recognition.

At the same time, kind words don't hurt. Sometimes, that's all we need for encouragement. The same goes for compliments. I believe that words are powerful, written or spoken, and they should not be taken lightly. All it takes is a few kind words to make someone's day, to make someone smile, which I think is the most beautiful thing. Those few kind words could be what brings laughter to their day, a subtle sparkle to their eye or meaning to the perfect moment. The words people use express so much of themselves, whether they realize it or not, as do their actions.

Just as our words and actions display fractions of ourselves, they also affect the ones around us. That's what most of us tend to forget. It's amazing how much of an affect we can have on each other. Just as we have the ability to create happiness for others, we also have the ability to take it away. We have the ability to frustrate and confuse each other. We have the ability to cause pain. The worst part is that we are able to do this unintentionally.

They say the truth hurts. While that can be true, isn't the blatant pain that arises from knowledge of the truth less painful than that of being lied to? Some people beat around the bush to protect the ones they care about while others do it to protect themselves. Somehow, having power over someone else's thoughts and feelings makes us feel powerful. It's true that being honest and straight-forward can leave you vulnerable, but it's also true that playing games can leave you lonely. The lengths we go to in efforts to attain something or someone can be the exact thing that drives them away.

What I have realized is that anyone and everyone around me has the power to have an affect on me. And if you don't like who you are around someone, how they make you feel or how they cause you to act, it's better to just distance yourself. Sometimes, the idea of someone is far more superior than the person themselves.

"The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine."


A Thousand Forests From One Acorn

Progress. Isn't that what we all strive for at the end of the day? To get better at that one skill, to do better at work, to do better at school, to make better decisions. Isn't that what life is about? To grow into a better version of yourself.

But who can really be the judge of your progress? Sure your boss can praise you or your teacher can give you a better grade, but personal development doesn't work that way. No one else can dictate your goals, and no one else is going to pat you on the back for reaching them. You must motivate yourself.

I have found that running away, avoidance, isn't the path to growth. It's when you are able to face the temptation and turn it down that you know you've done something right. That's my way of tracking my own progress, and I must say, I'm pleased with the results. I'm not saying it's easy by any means, but the right decisions are usually the toughest. Without struggle, there is no progress.

It's never too late to be who you might have been.

Not much has changed, yet things suddenly seem so much different now. I'm unable to comprehend how the wrongs ever seemed so right or how the ease was ever so difficult.

Perhaps, we just see what we want to see, whether it's people or situations. When you're upset with someone, it's beyond easy to focus on their negative qualities and neglect the positives. Or when considering getting back with an ex, all you can remember are the laughter and butterflies. If and when you get back together, you usually remember why it didn't work out the first time.

How does someone seem no less than perfect one instant and completely lose all of their appeal the next? Perhaps because we do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.

I guess we're all just living in our own illusion of reality, our own distorted versions of life.


Series of Almosts

You can meet someone that has everything you could want in a friend/companion and more, yet if one little thing is off, if one little piece is missing, it ruins the appeal of all other qualities they possess. I'm not saying this is fair in any way, shape, or form, but let's face it, it's reality.

There is always a distinction between the head and the heart, thoughts and feelings. Although I tend to be logical most of the time, granted my imagination and creativity do get the best of me at times, I cannot get myself to ever disregard feelings. To me, if something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Unfortunately, it's not something I have control over. I can't force myself to feel a certain way. There's always that possibility of feelings changing over time, yet nothing is guaranteed.

It's when certain feelings, or lack thereof, hinder other relationships that is truly saddening.

Not only does this apply to people, but also life on a larger scale.

Life is a puzzle. All of the pieces have to fit just right in order to attain happiness. One missing piece leaves it all incomplete.

Incomplete. It's weird, I have been able to achieve a lot recently. I've been super involved, crazy busy and productive. I've met many of the goals that I had set for myself, yet there is still something missing. Somehow, that one missing piece takes away from the many pieces that I have worked hard to acquire.

Going back to people, as frustrating as it can be to be on different pages with someone, it's just as relieving to realize that your feelings toward someone are mutual and to see your actions reciprocated.

Some possibilities seem to be within reach. The only problem is, when something goes really well, everything else seems to go downhill, in my life at least. I can hope that this is the exception and it's finally time that all the pieces fall together, yet I can't help but think destruction is inevitable. Is the one missing piece really worth losing all the others? Only time will tell, and my impatience is not helping.


A Little Sunshine

As I went for a swim this afternoon in my neighborhood pool, I finally spoke to someone I often see. We usually just exchange friendly smiles and casual hellos. As we began talking today, she realized that we often see each other at the gym and responded, "Oh, you're the runner." Trust me, I'm far from a "runner" but I am getting there.

My point? It suddenly hit me that every action really does make more of an impact than we think. Sometimes, we do things that are out of the ordinary, things that aren't true to our character, things that aren't "us". At times they are positive and other times negative. We can rationalize the negative decisions by assuring ourselves that it was just a one-time thing. But what about that person that only knows us from seeing us at that one moment?

That's the impact you made on that person. That is how they will think of you. That is how they will remember you. If someone only sees me running at the gym, they will think of me as a runner. Likewise, if someone only sees me at the library studying, they will probably think I'm a nerd. It's all about context; not everyone knows the whole story.

It's true that every action has a reaction. It's also true that every action makes an impact, whether we realize it or not. It's just the severity of the impact that varies.

I failed to mention earlier that my new friend is significantly older. Surprisingly, I was intrigued by her stories rather than bored. She has been through a lot, to say the least, and yet she is still open to new opportunities. Inspiring, right? There is so much that I have managed to convince myself wasn't meant for me, not right now at least. But that's the wrong mindset. It's important to be open to the possibilities and welcome the opportunities as they arise with open arms. It's the only way to experience, feel, live.

What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does.


Beauty in the Breakdown

Faith. It's what gets us through life, whether it's faith in ourselves or others. Either way, it is gained from what we see, what we experience. Although we see fucked up relationships that are doomed from the start, there is always that one couple that assures us that true love does exist. Although we have dealt with back-stabbers and two-faced bitches, we have had that one friend that we could always turn to, no matter what. The friendships that make us believe that relationships, platonic or not, can last through time. It is possible to grow with someone rather than grow apart.

Even though it's perfectly fine, normal even, to gain faith through these people that give us hope, what if even that one relationship goes awry? Whether it's the person you have been on and off with for years or your absolute best friend.

Whether things work out and go back to normal or not, one should always be able to find faith in themselves.

Where does that hope arise from? Possibly our self-esteem and confidence. As much as we'd like to think that we're content with ourselves, there is always that one little thing we want to change. We see one beautiful person walk by, and just for moment, we wish that we looked like them, that we were them. And if that's not the case, if you are honestly, truly content with yourself, imagine if you no longer had that one feature you love about yourself. What if your perfect skin suddenly got break-outs? What if your cosmetologist messed up your perfectly arched eyebrows? What if you suddenly lost inches of your long, silky hair?

"Confidence is key. Sometimes, you need to look like you're confident even when you're not." -Vanessa Hudgens

I recently decided to chop off my hair. I've gone through many changes with my hair these past few years. I went from extremely long to short to bob to shorter bob, and now, I somehow managed to go even shorter. I didn't think it would be a drastic change since my hair was already short, and I had become accustomed to it. However, I suddenly found myself feeling insecure, a feeling I haven't experienced in quite some time. Recently, I've been content with myself. But suddenly, with this haircut, I have found myself second-guessing those ancient insecurities. I no longer have anything to hide behind. I am out there for the world to see, flaws and insecurities included.

Yet, I don't regret it. I chose to do this. I feel like there is some kind of a race to change. I would rather make changes myself, willingly, than to have life spring something unexpected onto me. I get bored, and I need something different at all times. I like to put myself outside of my comfort zone so I can grow and progress.

"Don't be afraid of change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something better."

I might not have someone to constantly have faith in at all times and I might sometimes second guess my faith and confidence in myself, but at the end of the day, if I am making positive changes and decisions, I think I'll be alright.

"Acceptance of one's self is the first step to real beauty."


Free to Roam

Life isn't about the number of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away, or so they say.

Although I agree with the above quotation, it fails to mention anything about the moments that fill you with life, the ones that allow you to breathe.

The moments when you allow yourself to let loose. The ones that make you forget about any stress, worries, or negativities. The moments where you are truly living in the moment. Moments of spontaneity. The ones that feel surreal. The kind that make you believe just for a second that you're in a movie, because such things can only take place in movies; there is no room for them in real life. True adventures. Adventures that make you smile and provide you with that unique sense of happiness that one rarely encounters. The kinds of moments that should fill each of our days, every moment. However, if you are able to experience it at all, you are quite fortunate.

Sometimes, a break from routine is exactly what you need.

Today, you inspired me.


Midnight Cravings

Isn't it true that when we're down, we secretly hope that someone will magically take away all our pain and worries and somehow make everything better? Secretly because we'd all like to think that we have it all under control and help from others is utterly unnecessary. But an honest confession to ourselves could sometimes require us to dig deep into our past. It's only reasonable to assume that if someone once made you smile, they have the ability to do it again.

But if that's the case, how is one supposed to differentiate between just wanting someone to fill a void and actually wanting someone, that person, back in their lives? How do you know if you're just seeking comfort at that moment or something a bit more constant?

It's all in our heads. We can convince ourselves to go either way, but if we, ourselves, are leaning towards one side, doesn't that preference alone make the distinction?

Under what circumstances is it okay for us to cave into our desires and dive back into our past for just a few minutes? Is it a sign of weakness, something that could hinder us from moving forward, or just a friendly reminder we all need once in a while?


Beautiful to Me

Everyone has that one moment that they often attempt to picture. Something we daydream about, but the reality of it actually occurring anytime soon is just too far-fetched. So we let our imaginations run wild hoping to catch a glimpse of what that moment might feel like, knowing that it will be amazing, whenever it happens.

But it could come sooner than you think, and it doesn't have to be anything extraordinary. The moments that mean the most to us are usually the ones that others would find insignificant, because only you realize its true value, only you can feel all of the emotions that are attached, and only you can capture it for all that it is. And only those that are close to you, the ones that know the whole story, may be able to fathom the immense intensity of it.

Needless to say, reality will always manage to somehow surprise you regardless of the numerous times and ways you may have imagined it happening.

Mine not only came at a time when I least expected it, but also at a time when I almost did not want it, as crazy as that may sound. Instead of imagining the possibilities, I am now re-playing reality in my head, and I'm still a little flustered. Perhaps because I still can't wrap my head around the idea of it all. And when I say most people would think of it as insignifanct, I'm not exaggerating, or underestimating for that matter. It's just one of those things.

"Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you." -John De Paola

Glimmer of Hope

Even in the darkest hours, a beam of light magically appears, a glimmer of hope that things just might get better. It doesn't have to be anything major. Instead, just a slight sign will do.

It's really easy to give up on people, even on the ones that mean the most to us. Our selfishness, frustration, and impatience can sometimes get the best of us. It doesn't make you a bad person by any means. However, the truth is, even if only a few out of a million words get through to a person, it just might be worth it. By no means is that a waste as long as something is getting through, as long as there is some remote chance of improvement.

And that moment when things do get through is priceless. That feeling of connecting with that person, the unity, is indescribable.


Miles to Go

There is always going to be something we're not quite sure of, some kind of doubt, some insecurity. What, or who, gets us past these are the people and things we know we can always count on. Whether it's your best friend, family, faith, or even a hobby, we all have something to turn to. What happens when you find that you are no longer able to count on them?

What happens when you realize that the people, places, things, and activities that once brought slight peace and happiness no longer do. Instead, you find yourself irritated and annoyed because things simply don't feel right. Nothing feels right. Are we just supposed to wander aimlessly until we finally find something that provides us with a glimpse of the same comfort that we're used to? Or do we force ourselves to love the newly found discomfort because we don't know who/what else to turn to?

As much as I'd like to blame the whole rest of the world, it's perhaps more rational that it's something I'm going through and not everyone else. Perhaps a phase that is leading to a new transformation?


Everything in Life is Gray, You Know

Things aren't always black or white. They aren't always right or wrong. There isn't always an evident answer; there is always that gray area. What we fail to realize is that people work the same way. As we are complex, so are our thoughts and feelings. So half the time we spend just trying to figure out how we feel or what exactly we think instead of realizing that there is rarely ever a clear-cut answer. Sometimes it's difficult, impossible even, to put a name onto these feelings. They are not always meant to be expressed into words.

It's okay to have mixed feelings or a combination of thoughts. However, things start getting a little messy when the feelings begin to conflict one another or when the combination of thoughts is simply irrational. Love and hate or annoyance and admiration for example, two opposing extremes, yet we find ourselves loving and hating something or getting annoyed by yet admiring them at the same time.

They say that the people we dislike most are usually the ones that remind us of ourselves, of our flaws. That's not always the case, but it seems to be true quite often. Other times, negative feelings arise from our own insecurities. When such negative feelings are directed toward us, it's okay to be a little sympathetic. It's important to still be ourselves and not let it be an excuse to act like anything less.

And then then there are times when find ourselves with extremely positive and extremely negative feelings toward one person all together. I can't help but think even the most extreme negative feelings must stem from some kind of passion. With time, one feeling will most likely overpower the other, but then again, who wants to wait for things to unfold? Especially when you find keep finding yourself in the same position weeks, months, or even years later.


Holding on Too Tightly

When we care about someone, we want what's best for them. Naturally, we look out for them and want to keep them away from harm and danger.

It's understandable. However, it's also important to understand, that at the end of the day, everyone has to make their own decisions. It might be our duty to warn them, to inform them about possible consequences, but it's their life and they have the right to make their own choices. You can't make decisions for others, especially when it's evident that your choices contradict their wishes.

But what happens when the person making the decision for you happens to be the only one that has any control over the situation? When you know what you want and the only person standing in the way is the one that you are willing to take the risk for. When you know that they are pushing you away for your own benefit, but what they don't realize is that they are hurting you in the process. Pain that could possibly be worse than what they are trying to protect you from.

What happens when you are so close to what you want, everything finally working out, all of it finally seems to be within reach, yet you no longer have any control over the situation.

The past is now part of my future. The present is well out of hand.


Mixed Signals?

We often overlook what's always been right in front of us in the pursuit of others. But one simple encounter can transform everything. All we need is one person to make us realize that what we once thought was impossible suddenly seems to be within our reach. And just when we begin to believe it, things begin to change. A transition in the midst of our transformation just leaves us in utter confusion.

Confusion can really take a toll on a person, on their minds, their actions, and everything in between. I think half of the insane psychotic things people do is simply to find out what's going on in the minds of others.

Not knowing where you stand with someone can be the most difficult and painfully excruciating position to be in. Getting mixed signals doesn't really help either.

The most important thing is to remain true to yourself. That way, it doesn't really matter what someone else is thinking or feeling. Okay, it may still matter, but at the end of the day, you have the satisfaction of knowing that the changes were worth it.

Do people ever really change? They can, and whether it's for the better or worst, the change is usually ignited by someone else, someone who matters enough. We might break our own rules thinking certain people will be worth it, but the moment things begin to change, we start to rethink it all.

Positive change is always good. Even if things don't work out, you're left a better person, and nothing is more valuable than that. However, other changes aren't as desirable. Especially when you begin to change your beliefs and ideals. Make sure whatever/whoever you're changing for is worth it.

The true test: would you be making the same decisions if things were going differently?

"It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change."


All Smiles

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until the day they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin

I've always been against the idea of letting others affect how I feel. Simply because I don't like giving others the ability, the power to get me down.

However, as irrational as this may sound, giving others that power can actually help you learn more about yourself. It gives us the opportunity to grow. We could experience something we thought we never would, feel something we thought we were incapable of, or even find something that we thought wasn't meant for us. Granted the experience could be negative, it still shows us that we are capable of more, or less, than we assume.

We often underestimate ourselves or simply comply with the idea that some things aren't meant for us. Sometimes, we need someone to show us how untrue that can be.

"It's the rule of life: everything you've always waited for comes the very second you stop looking for it."


The World is Yours

One of the most rewarding feelings, if not the most rewarding, is to volunteer your time for the benefit of others and realize that you have made some sort of an impact in someone's life. It may not be the biggest sacrifice or even seem significant at the time, but it's truly astonishing how any slight effort makes some sort of a difference or leaves some kind of a footprint.

"Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
-Winnie the Pooh

Those are the moments that remind you that life isn't all about you. In this day and age, we have so much to focus on: school, work, etc. We're all busy, but never too busy for the things we enjoy. It's important to use that time to help others, help your community. At the end of the day, that's how we will leave our mark on the world. We will make a difference through the lives we touch and the bonds we make.

Once we stop focusing selfishly on ourselves and just attempt to do the right things, everything else simply falls into place. Things might not always end up the way we had predicted or hoped, but that's what makes it all even more exciting. Things may not always turn out how we want them to, but in the end, they turn out how we need them to. We could begin to feel something that we thought we were no longer capable of, something we thought we had lost somewhere down the road. As frightening as that can be, it reminds us that there is still a slight chance of having the things we had given up on. Only time will tell, but in my case, the reminder was very much necessary. And as scared as I may feel right now, at least I'm not numb.


Attention without Intention

As a woman, I've gotten hit on in all kinds of ridiculous ways and heard some of the most outrageous and sometimes even utterly disgusting and disrespectful pick up lines you can imagine. Nothing is really unexpected from guys, but here's the real question: how is it appropriate for a girl to hit on a guy?

I have plenty of male friends, and after talking to a few of them, I have found that even most guys don't know. They don't like it when a girl is too aggressive, yet they rarely catch on to subtle hints.

So what exactly is a girl supposed to do? Look cute in hopes of running in to him? Sneak a letter into his bag asking him out to lunch? Or simply convince herself that if it's meant to be it'll happen?

I'm not one to play games. I actually find them completely immature.

Yet, we all partake in them. Why? Everyone wants to have the upper hand. We want to test others to ensure that we have the power. However, the problem with that is, most of time it's the game-playing and mind-fucking that will drive others away.

The world would be such a better place if everyone was just straight-forward. Games are a waste of time. Just tell it like it is and call it a day. Unfortunately, no one wants to forgo the power over someone else's emotions. Is the power worth playing with someone's feelings? I think not, but I'm sure most would disagree.

The idea of power also makes me question it's effect on people's choices. I've seen far too many amazing people settle for less than they deserve. Although loneliness can be a factor in this, I believe it also has a lot to do with intimidation.

We want someone we can be comfortable with, not someone to compete with. The ones we are attracted to are also the ones that we hesitate to approach. Call it nervousness or intimidation, but deep down it's fear of rejection. Why can't someone attractive also be approachable?

Simply because we like to stereotype and make assumptions.


Pulling Apart, Falling Together

The past couple of days have been eye-opening, to say the least. Things are finally starting to somewhat fall into place, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Everything has been all over the place recently, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, everything. Honestly, I don't think I was much of myself. I haven't updated in over a month, for one. If I'm not writing, I'm definitely not myself. However, I am now revived with a fresh new perspective.

I'm a strong believer in the whole "everything happens for a reason" concept, which is evident in most of my posts. As outrageous as the idea may seem to many, life keeps leading me to believe there is some truth in it. Some unexpected events opened my eyes to new opportunities, how much more proof do I need?

An unexpected encounter also lead me to realize what I deserve and what I have been settling for instead. I had one of those "what the fuck was I thinking" moments. I tend to have a lot of those. But I'm thankful for them because I'm either coming to my senses or growing and moving on, both of which are positive.

This transition couldn't have come at a better time either since I celebrated Navroz, the Persian new year, on Monday. I was able to start off the year on the perfect note.

I couldn't be happier or more excited, not for anything in particular, but just for the opportunities I have ahead of me. For knowing what I'm capable of, what I deserve, and being a step closer to it.

We all make mistakes, we've all done things we're not proud of, and it's only a matter of time before the repetition of these mistakes eventually turns into your character. It's only a matter of time before the secrets are let out. However, it's all a matter of choice. The way you put yourself out there is the way people will see and treat you. But at the end of the day, it's about realizing that you're better than that and moving forward.

These recent realizations also somehow helped me let go of a lot of old, lagging baggage. One day you wake up, and you realize that you're over it. I'm not referring to one thing/person/situation in particular, but everything in general. And once you let go, it honestly gives you a whole new sense of peace and freedom within yourself.

On a completely different note, I recently saw the cutest little book at Francesca's, which also has most adorable clothes and accessories. It was a huge sticky note pad with random quotes and sayings. Pretty much the perfect thing to make anyone's day, loved one, friend, or even a stranger. I didn't buy it, but I'd like to make one of my own, and make someone's day, everyday. It just might be my new thing.



People come and people leave. I believe that God carefully places and removes people from our lives. I believe that there is a lesson to learn from everyone that walks in to our lives. There is a method to the madness. It's all part of a master plan that we are unable to comprehend, not at the time at least.

Sometimes we lose people only to get over it and move on. Other times, we lose the people that hold our world together, our glue. Once they're gone, everything seems to fall apart. But as they say, life goes on; it doesn't stop for anyone. Slowly but surely, at some point, we have to learn to put our world back together, whether it's on our own or with the help of some loved ones. I have found that after losing the glue, it's really difficult to depend on others to make everything okay. Somehow, loss manages to instill a fear of losing other things, the rest of the people that matter most.

"Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us when we live."

I'm afraid this fear will cause me to miss out on all the good stuff the world has to offer. I'm afraid of depending on someone, letting someone in, getting too close, because I would be too scared to lose them too.

Today is three years since I lost my glue, and I honestly don't know how I'm still breathing or how I've managed to survive three whole years. I lost the one person that understood me better than anyone else, the one that always believed in me, always saw more potential in me than you could ever imagine, loved me unconditionally, was always there, the list goes on but I'm sure you get the idea.

"It all just seems so fake. This idea that good things happen to good people and there's magic in the world, and that the meek and righteous will inherit it. There's too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true. There are too many prayers that go unanswered. Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is, and we tell ourselves that it's all going to be okay, 'You're going to be okay.' But it's not okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no magic in the world, at least today there isn't."


No Truth, Only Perception

Self sabotage. How many of us are guilty? I know I am. When things are going too well, perfect even, we look for something to go wrong. If nothing seems wrong, our paranoia leads us to believe there is wrong in all the right places. Which eventually leads to self-destruction just so we can have the satisfaction of telling ourselves, "I knew it was too good to be true." It's sad that people don't feel that they deserve it when things go well. At the same time, we bitch and complain when things are not so perfect.

I feel that self-sabotage stems from atelophobia: the fear of imperfection, of not being enough.

Many of us don't reach our full potential either because we don't believe that we can or we don't feel that we deserve to. Most of us tend to live in denial. Some act like they don't want something due to the fear that they won't find it, won't get there. Others live in denial where they believe that what they have is the best and that they are perfectly happy. And the rest know that they deserve better but still settle because they don't think they will find better.

The problem is our self-perception. Most of us tend to see ourselves through the eyes of others' and compare ourselves to others. This leads us to have inaccurate perceptions of ourselves, the people we think we are. Simultaneously, we all have a perception of who we want to be, our ideal selves. Instead of striving to reach our potential and become the ideal versions of ourselves, we self-sabotage and let the gap between who we think we are and who we want to be grow. The greater the divergence between the two, the more wounded and dysfunctional we become.