When All is Crumbling

As I sit here attempting to transform my thoughts into something more tangible, I can feel my relationships crumbling. The ones that were supposed to be unconditional, the ones that were supposed to last forever are now on the brink of desertion. I've transitioned past the denial stage where I tried to convince myself this was temporary, it was just a phase and everything will go back to normal. I lingered there as long as I could, but even that came with a time limit. I've overstayed my welcome, and it's now time to face the facts.

Relationships aren't as simple as sharing your lunch or spending recess together and instantly becoming best friends anymore, and they haven't been that way for a while. They seem to progressively get more and more complicated with each passing day. I've become accustomed to relationships being effortless. Isn't that how they're supposed to be? You get along with someone, laugh at the same jokes and enjoy the same things in life, so why not spend some time together? However as we all grow and progress, everyone chooses their own paths. If you're lucky, you'll travel the journey side by side. If not, maybe your paths may cross at some point. 

Although I've acknowledged it all to be true, I've still expected certain bonds to remain unbreakable. Whether it's blood or shared experiences, there has to be some bond strong enough to keep relationships intact. Just because you're related, does that mean this person can read your mind? Does this mean you'll grow at the same rate? Does this mean you'll have the same interests? Does this mean you'll actually enjoy each other's company? It's preferable, but is it always the case? No. 

At the same time, I've been lucky enough to experience bonds that have survived the pains of time and distance and still remained as strong as ever. With some of the closest people to me at the furthest distance, I can't help but have faith in the idea of it. The idea that love has the capability to conquer all. The idea that love can survive all obstacles. Despite the love interests that I refused to pursue due to those very reasons, my faith in love, despite distance has never been stronger. I now realize that I don't need any further proof.

I understand that I'm arguing both sides of the spectrum and my thoughts are scattered, but I suppose that's the beauty of it. The beauty of accepting that no bond is guaranteed yet seeing the most doubtful ones survive. Knowing that no matter how different your chosen paths in life may be, there are people out there that love you unconditionally, that are willing to help no matter what. 

Everything in Life is Gray, You Know

Things aren't always black or white. They aren't always right or wrong. There isn't always an evident answer; there is always that gray area. What we fail to realize is that people work the same way. As we are complex, so are our thoughts and feelings. So half the time we spend just trying to figure out how we feel or what exactly we think instead of realizing that there is rarely ever a clear-cut answer. Sometimes it's difficult, impossible even, to put a name onto these feelings. They are not always meant to be expressed into words.



It's okay to have mixed feelings or a combination of thoughts. However, things start getting a little messy when the feelings begin to conflict one another or when the combination of thoughts is simply irrational. Love and hate or annoyance and admiration for example, two opposing extremes, yet we find ourselves loving and hating something or getting annoyed by yet admiring them at the same time.

They say that the people we dislike most are usually the ones that remind us of ourselves, of our flaws. That's not always the case, but it seems to be true quite often. Other times, negative feelings arise from our own insecurities. When such negative feelings are directed toward us, it's okay to be a little sympathetic. It's important to still be ourselves and not let it be an excuse to act like anything less.

And then then there are times when find ourselves with extremely positive and extremely negative feelings toward one person all together. I can't help but think even the most extreme negative feelings must stem from some kind of passion. With time, one feeling will most likely overpower the other, but then again, who wants to wait for things to unfold? Especially when you find keep finding yourself in the same position weeks, months, or even years later.

Time doesn't heal everything

Father's day. This has to be one of the most difficult days of the year.

People say it will get better with time. Yeah, well, people also lie. I've realized that dealing with loss only gets harder with time. At first, I was in a state of shock. I was numb. My mind, body, heart, everything was numb. Everything. My mind refused to register what was going on around me. So, I kept telling myself it was all a dream, and I will wake up soon. The truth is, two years later, I am still trying to convince myself that it is a dream and I'll wake up soon. The only difference is that I'm no longer numb. I can now feel the pain. I think I'd rather just be numb.

Sorry to be such a downer. It is a beautiful day. Those of you that are fortunate enough to spend it with your fathers, enjoy it, and don't take any second for granted.


Happy Father's Day.