Playing with Fire

What do you do when the thing you desire most is the same thing that has proven to be catastrophic? It must be avoided at all costs or you'll find yourself playing with fire. After moving forward, why regress to the harmful?

You find the universe leading you to follow your heart. Continuous signs tease you with what you can no longer have. Is it a test, a chance to prove your progress, or a sincere form of permission to let go of your inhibitions?

You begin to question your motives, intentions, feelings, everything. Is this the average case of wanting what you can't have? Perhaps, it's the obvious act of self-destruction. The distractions that seemed to occupy your mind, and possibly even your heart, not too long ago no longer seem to satisfy you. Thus proving that they were, in fact, mere distractions and nothing more. You begin to question each thought, each emotion, in an attempt to differentiate illusions from reality.

You ignore the signs for as long as possible. What are "signs" anyway? Don't they just hold as much significance as you allow them to? Seeing that car on the road meant nothing to you until you started dating and eventually broke up with an owner of one. To an extent, we see what we want to see and avoid what we can't bear to face.

So, you convince yourself that this is nothing more than a series of continuous coincidences. Continue on with your duties and responsibilities as usual. Divert your attention with anything and everything possible. Remind yourself of the previous destruction that no longer seems as horrible as it once did. Do it all yet do nothing until you reach the point when your feelings will finally surpass all possible rationale. The point when you finally decide to follow your heart, risking everything in the process.

"And it was in that moment that I realized that no matter what would be said or left unsaid, this wasn't the end. There has to be much more to this story."

Enjoy the Silence

Due to my passion for writing, I understand the intensity of words. However, I think we all forget to say the right ones here and there, because we get lazy, busy, distracted or scared even. We tell ourselves that the ones we love know we do just like the ones we miss know it too. There's no need for repetition; it's simply unnecessary.

But the thing is, while people may know how you feel, hearing it brings with it it's own sensation. It suddenly feels more real, the feelings come to life. The simple "I'm proud of you" or "I love you" can keep one going another day. It can be the motivation they were seeking. 

Certain feelings that you decided to keep hidden could have held together a relationship. The right words could provide redemption for all the time wasted years later. Random honest confessions could provide the closure you were longing for. Knowing something in your heart just isn't enough sometimes; certain things have to be surfaced.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a

listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all

of which have the potential to turn a life around.” 

Yearning to Be Heard

Everything I write is just a fraction of the countless words that are constantly running through my head at any given moment. Sometimes, I wish I had all the time in the world just to release them in a more concrete way. Although writing is the most precise way for me to articulate myself, sometimes you have no other choice but to speak, vent even, and let others know how you feel.

When something is bothering me, when there is an issue or conflict, my first instinct is to talk about it. There is no other way to inform someone about how you feel than to simply tell them. That is also the only way to completely hear the acknowledge the other side, fix things, realize where you stand or even show effort. None of us are mind readers, so it's unfair to assume that any other person can know precisely what you think or how you feel and vice versa without any form of communication.

Agreed that sometimes people and situations need their time and space, too much time can be harmful. If you allow too much time to pass by, is there anything left to discuss? People say that time heals all wounds. Time allows you to move on and in some cases, it can create distance.

One of the main reasons that I have been able to keep up with this blog, other than my love and passion for writing and encouraging followers, is my inability to control my focus. If something is bothering me, it bothers me until I fix it. If there's something I need to say, I will butcher it in my head until I get the opportunity to unleash my words and liberate my thoughts.

Even though this trait usually leads to honesty and conflict resolution, it has a downfall. Communication is a two-way street. If I'm writing, it's so someone will read it. If I'm speaking, I need the other person to listen. Keeping my thoughts to myself isn't always an option but is necessary if others aren't willing to make an effort to hear me out. The frustration attained from the inability to express myself is indescribable. The extent of the distress is able to overpower my mind for days.

They say that actions speak louder than words. However, sometimes hearing what you least wanted to and speaking the most difficult words are necessary. Everything else leaves room for interpretation, room for the possibility that things could be different. And sometimes, the lack of actions speak even louder. The silence can sometimes be just as powerful as the words yearning to be heard.

Felt with the Heart

Whether we're in a good mood or a bad mood, whether we feel like we're on top of the world or down in the dumps, we search for someone to share it with. We seek someone to share our joys and sorrows, whether it's a lover or best friend. And I'm guilty of this.

I have a few go-to people of my own, the ones I share everything with. If I make a mistake, they help me fix it. And if I happen to do something right, they help me celebrate. Most of the time, I either need to hear myself vent in order to get my thoughts together or need reassurance that I'm not insane for the things going on inside my head. Although there's nothing wrong with that, since sharing happiness only spreads it and sharing sadness only lessens it, what we often fail to realize is that no one can truly feel what you're feeling.

They often say, "You just had to be there." But the truth is, everyone experiences things in their own way. We all perceive things differently; everything we see and hear is biased by our thoughts, opinions and past experiences.

As far as feelings are concerned, those are even tougher to grasp, out of reach even. You can describe every detail, repeat every spoken word and depict every slight movement or gesture to the one that seems to understand you the most, yet it is impossible for them to identify precisely what occurred during that brief moment in time.

It's often the indescribable details that depict more than words or actions, such as the butterflies in your stomach caused by someone's presence or the pounding of your heart initiated by their gaze. Or the honesty evident on someone's face, the slight glistening in their eyes, the heart-warming smile that makes you melt or the warmth felt by their embrace. Like they say, it's the little things that make the biggest difference.

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

So is it really someone else's place to tell you when to give up or when to keep trying or who's worth the effort and who isn't? Does anyone else truly have the ability to determine what's significant and what isn't? As much as we are all in need of agreement or some sort of consolation, can others really know what's best for you?

Although there's nothing wrong with seeking comfort or advice from the ones we trust, don't let their opinions overpower your own. At the end of the day, you will be the one living with your decisions, no one else.

I have always known what I wanted, and that was beauty...in every form.

Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.

Beyond Your Form

Lately, I've been struggling with the idea of forgiveness. What's more difficult, seeking forgiveness from the ones you care about or finding the ability to forgive yourself?

In the past, I believed that letting loved ones down was the worst feeling. Although it's definitely at the top of the list, I've realized that unless you are able to forgive yourself, forgiveness from others cannot lead to redemption.

So where exactly is the road to redemption? Can it be found with deep prayer, spending time volunteering at a shelter, a good, sweaty workout or a much-needed heart to heart with some dear friends? Or perhaps a powerful combination of it all. Everyone has different things that work for them, but the only way to move on is to find yourself again. Your true self. Your ideal self. Remind yourself of the person you want to be and work to lift yourself up yet again.

Just as it takes effort to progress and become the person you want to be, it takes effort to gain everything you may desire. Much too often, we convince ourselves that if certain things are meant to be, they'll happen. Sometimes the idea of fate or destiny can serve as a sign of hope but other times, they can just be a display of laziness. If you are able to wait for it to come to you, whether this is due to pride or circumstance, you probably don't want it bad enough. This could also be biased, because I'm beyond impatient and waiting around for something to happen drives me crazy. I feel that if you want something bad enough, you'll go out and make it happen.

I live my life in extremes. And as someone who tends to live their day-to-day life nonchalantly, it takes something or someone remarkable to ignite that passion within me. Only because the passion exists; it's just difficult to display it to the whole world constantly.

And as I found someone who seemed to be worth the effort, I kept wondering why so many things keep getting in the way. And I can't help but think it's some sort of practical joke. Life switching around the roles, making me play the field, either to teach me what it feels like to be on the other side of the table or simply helping me realize that this one might be a keeper, this one just might be it.

Then again, there's only so much one person can do. So where's the fine line between showing effort and trying too hard? Yet another question that I'm currently struggling with. Not because I'm extremely invested in the situation, but because I'm not used to being invested at all. Since I've somehow been able to put myself out there and show effort, I'm forced to believe that this must be the real thing. If you want it bad enough, you'll work for it; but at some point, you have to let go for your own sanity. It can't always be all up to you; sometimes handing the power over to someone else proves to be necessary.

"We all have our nights though, don't be so ashamed. I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know. You've seen all my mistakes, so look me in my eyes."

Speaking of mistakes, I think we all do a remarkable job of making mistakes without the help of vicious rumors, hurtful instigation or false embellishment. However, the people that genuinely care will approach you to hear your side of the story. As for the rest, they would have been a waste of breath anyway. At the end of the day, people will believe what they want, but it just goes to show who was on your side to begin with.

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."

Series of Almosts

You can meet someone that has everything you could want in a friend/companion and more, yet if one little thing is off, if one little piece is missing, it ruins the appeal of all other qualities they possess. I'm not saying this is fair in any way, shape, or form, but let's face it, it's reality.

There is always a distinction between the head and the heart, thoughts and feelings. Although I tend to be logical most of the time, granted my imagination and creativity do get the best of me at times, I cannot get myself to ever disregard feelings. To me, if something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Unfortunately, it's not something I have control over. I can't force myself to feel a certain way. There's always that possibility of feelings changing over time, yet nothing is guaranteed.

It's when certain feelings, or lack thereof, hinder other relationships that is truly saddening.

Not only does this apply to people, but also life on a larger scale.

Life is a puzzle. All of the pieces have to fit just right in order to attain happiness. One missing piece leaves it all incomplete.

Incomplete. It's weird, I have been able to achieve a lot recently. I've been super involved, crazy busy and productive. I've met many of the goals that I had set for myself, yet there is still something missing. Somehow, that one missing piece takes away from the many pieces that I have worked hard to acquire.

Going back to people, as frustrating as it can be to be on different pages with someone, it's just as relieving to realize that your feelings toward someone are mutual and to see your actions reciprocated.

Some possibilities seem to be within reach. The only problem is, when something goes really well, everything else seems to go downhill, in my life at least. I can hope that this is the exception and it's finally time that all the pieces fall together, yet I can't help but think destruction is inevitable. Is the one missing piece really worth losing all the others? Only time will tell, and my impatience is not helping.

Everything in Life is Gray, You Know

Things aren't always black or white. They aren't always right or wrong. There isn't always an evident answer; there is always that gray area. What we fail to realize is that people work the same way. As we are complex, so are our thoughts and feelings. So half the time we spend just trying to figure out how we feel or what exactly we think instead of realizing that there is rarely ever a clear-cut answer. Sometimes it's difficult, impossible even, to put a name onto these feelings. They are not always meant to be expressed into words.



It's okay to have mixed feelings or a combination of thoughts. However, things start getting a little messy when the feelings begin to conflict one another or when the combination of thoughts is simply irrational. Love and hate or annoyance and admiration for example, two opposing extremes, yet we find ourselves loving and hating something or getting annoyed by yet admiring them at the same time.

They say that the people we dislike most are usually the ones that remind us of ourselves, of our flaws. That's not always the case, but it seems to be true quite often. Other times, negative feelings arise from our own insecurities. When such negative feelings are directed toward us, it's okay to be a little sympathetic. It's important to still be ourselves and not let it be an excuse to act like anything less.

And then then there are times when find ourselves with extremely positive and extremely negative feelings toward one person all together. I can't help but think even the most extreme negative feelings must stem from some kind of passion. With time, one feeling will most likely overpower the other, but then again, who wants to wait for things to unfold? Especially when you find keep finding yourself in the same position weeks, months, or even years later.

The World is Yours

One of the most rewarding feelings, if not the most rewarding, is to volunteer your time for the benefit of others and realize that you have made some sort of an impact in someone's life. It may not be the biggest sacrifice or even seem significant at the time, but it's truly astonishing how any slight effort makes some sort of a difference or leaves some kind of a footprint.

"Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

-Winnie the Pooh

Those are the moments that remind you that life isn't all about you. In this day and age, we have so much to focus on: school, work, etc. We're all busy, but never too busy for the things we enjoy. It's important to use that time to help others, help your community. At the end of the day, that's how we will leave our mark on the world. We will make a difference through the lives we touch and the bonds we make.

Once we stop focusing selfishly on ourselves and just attempt to do the right things, everything else simply falls into place. Things might not always end up the way we had predicted or hoped, but that's what makes it all even more exciting. Things may not always turn out how we want them to, but in the end, they turn out how we need them to. We could begin to feel something that we thought we were no longer capable of, something we thought we had lost somewhere down the road. As frightening as that can be, it reminds us that there is still a slight chance of having the things we had given up on. Only time will tell, but in my case, the reminder was very much necessary. And as scared as I may feel right now, at least I'm not numb.

Lost the Love I Loved the Most

Angry, upset, disappointed. Some of the worst feelings, all at once.




I'm an optimist. I haven't had the perfect life, trust me, but somehow I've managed to make the best out of the situations I have found myself in. Similarly, I also tend to find the good in people. I manage to trust most people, even the ones that don't deserve it. In the end, trust yourself, and only yourself. Lesson learned. Unfortunately, most people are merely looking out for themselves. Everyone has their own motives. You are responsible for your actions and decisions; you're the one that will have to live with the consequences. No one else. It's really easy to blame everyone except yourself and find excuses in an attempt to justify yourself. It's even easier to completely avoid the situation as a whole, but it's when you are able to take responsibility for what happened that you can truly be respected.

Also, it's important to reconsider the positions of those select few who are placed on pedestals. Those people that can never do wrong. The ones that are not capable of causing harm. The ones that would never do anything to hurt you. Don't forget, they are human, after all. Even they are capable of making mistakes, all of which are not worthy of forgiveness.





In the end, it's not about what you do. What's more important is how you handle yourself after the fact. Believe it or not, that makes all the difference.



"May the bridges I burn light the way."

Barely Breathing

So this blog of mine has turned out to be quite inspirational. It wasn't really meant to be. I guess I have the gift of making things sound better as I write about them, which is probably why writing is therapeutic to me. But let's take a break from what everyone wants to hear and dig a little deeper into reality.

The truth is, life is unfair. Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. Good people are put in bad situations, while the worst of us are in the best of situations. The happiest of families fall apart. The closest relationships drift apart. The strongest bonds are broken, and the most genuine feelings are shattered. The youngest of us have been through too much. We don't always get what we deserve, what's rightfully ours. Tears will not stop flowing from the eyes of the "happiest" of us. The most ambitious lose focus. The simplest form of communication seems impossible. The most hopeful lose faith. The most loved leave. We turn into the people we despise most, and history has an ugly way of repeating itself. We like to think that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. But if the continuous rain becomes stubborn, eventually, we'll stop expecting the sun. However, if during the storm, you're lucky enough to have someone to share it with, that makes all the difference. If you're fortunate enough to share a brief moment in complete silence, knowing exactly what the other is feeling without spoken words, maybe that moment makes everything just a little bit better.




And no matter how hopeless things may seem, we'll hope for a better day tomorrow, because things can only get so much worse. We'll hope for a better day tomorrow, because we deserve it. (And there I go with the inspirational bullshit again, right? Wrong. Because we really do deserve it.)