Lately, I've been struggling with the idea of forgiveness. What's more difficult, seeking forgiveness from the ones you care about or finding the ability to forgive yourself?
In the past, I believed that letting loved ones down was the worst feeling. Although it's definitely at the top of the list, I've realized that unless you are able to forgive yourself, forgiveness from others cannot lead to redemption.
So where exactly is the road to redemption? Can it be found with deep prayer, spending time volunteering at a shelter, a good, sweaty workout or a much-needed heart to heart with some dear friends? Or perhaps a powerful combination of it all. Everyone has different things that work for them, but the only way to move on is to find yourself again. Your true self. Your ideal self. Remind yourself of the person you want to be and work to lift yourself up yet again.
Just as it takes effort to progress and become the person you want to be, it takes effort to gain everything you may desire. Much too often, we convince ourselves that if certain things are meant to be, they'll happen. Sometimes the idea of fate or destiny can serve as a sign of hope but other times, they can just be a display of laziness. If you are able to wait for it to come to you, whether this is due to pride or circumstance, you probably don't want it bad enough. This could also be biased, because I'm beyond impatient and waiting around for something to happen drives me crazy. I feel that if you want something bad enough, you'll go out and make it happen.
I live my life in extremes. And as someone who tends to live their day-to-day life nonchalantly, it takes something or someone remarkable to ignite that passion within me. Only because the passion exists; it's just difficult to display it to the whole world constantly.
And as I found someone who seemed to be worth the effort, I kept wondering why so many things keep getting in the way. And I can't help but think it's some sort of practical joke. Life switching around the roles, making me play the field, either to teach me what it feels like to be on the other side of the table or simply helping me realize that this one might be a keeper, this one just might be it.
Then again, there's only so much one person can do. So where's the fine line between showing effort and trying too hard? Yet another question that I'm currently struggling with. Not because I'm extremely invested in the situation, but because I'm not used to being invested at all. Since I've somehow been able to put myself out there and show effort, I'm forced to believe that this must be the real thing. If you want it bad enough, you'll work for it; but at some point, you have to let go for your own sanity. It can't always be all up to you; sometimes handing the power over to someone else proves to be necessary.
"We all have our nights though, don't be so ashamed. I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know. You've seen all my mistakes, so look me in my eyes."
Speaking of mistakes, I think we all do a remarkable job of making mistakes without the help of vicious rumors, hurtful instigation or false embellishment. However, the people that genuinely care will approach you to hear your side of the story. As for the rest, they would have been a waste of breath anyway. At the end of the day, people will believe what they want, but it just goes to show who was on your side to begin with.
"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."