Spinning On Our Own, Never to Be Undone

"...He is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

Isn't that what we all do? We spend hours over-analyzing what we could have said or should have done differently or scripting out that crucial talk that could make or break a relationship. However, the truth is that we can neither change the past nor fully control the future. And as much as we like to think that we have it all under control, there is only so much that is truly within our power. Not everything is in our hands, and sometimes, we just have to ride the tide and go where life takes us.

There's that never-ending battle between fate or destiny and our decision-making power. I'd like to think that life somehow intertwines the conflicting concepts. Certain things are within our control, while others are simply part of a greater plan. So you have your own vision filled with dreams and goals, but you must be able to adapt to anything that life may throw your way. We all live with the idea that we always have tomorrow. We can talk later, and things will come together when the time is right. When in reality, nothing is guaranteed. Just when you think you have it all figured out, life will turn it all upside down; who said it was supposed to be easy?

"Fate is a manifestation of natural causes. That's it. It is not a conscious entity. It has no plans."

And once again, it's all about perspective. You can linger on everything that should have happened differently, everything that you could have done or said that would have changed it all or you can simply make the most of what you have. You can live with the unresolved issues of the past or the fear of the changes the future could bring or just make the most out of the present. You can dwell upon the missed opportunities of the past and the lack of time in the future or simply live in the moment for once.



Say everything that's on your mind and do everything you've been yearning for. It's all about being open to the opportunities and making the most out of the time that you have. Sometimes, the few moments of happiness in the present can make up for all of the heartache of the past and offer greater memories to remember in the future.

So, taking my own advice and listening to my own words, a friend and I have decided to write down at least one thing that makes us happy each day. We're also adding pictures and turning it into a summer scrapbook. It's only been a few days, but I must say that it has made me appreciate all of the little things just a little bit more.

"Enjoy the little things in life. For one day, you'll look back and realize they were the big things."

Beyond Your Form

Lately, I've been struggling with the idea of forgiveness. What's more difficult, seeking forgiveness from the ones you care about or finding the ability to forgive yourself?

In the past, I believed that letting loved ones down was the worst feeling. Although it's definitely at the top of the list, I've realized that unless you are able to forgive yourself, forgiveness from others cannot lead to redemption.

So where exactly is the road to redemption? Can it be found with deep prayer, spending time volunteering at a shelter, a good, sweaty workout or a much-needed heart to heart with some dear friends? Or perhaps a powerful combination of it all. Everyone has different things that work for them, but the only way to move on is to find yourself again. Your true self. Your ideal self. Remind yourself of the person you want to be and work to lift yourself up yet again.

Just as it takes effort to progress and become the person you want to be, it takes effort to gain everything you may desire. Much too often, we convince ourselves that if certain things are meant to be, they'll happen. Sometimes the idea of fate or destiny can serve as a sign of hope but other times, they can just be a display of laziness. If you are able to wait for it to come to you, whether this is due to pride or circumstance, you probably don't want it bad enough. This could also be biased, because I'm beyond impatient and waiting around for something to happen drives me crazy. I feel that if you want something bad enough, you'll go out and make it happen.

I live my life in extremes. And as someone who tends to live their day-to-day life nonchalantly, it takes something or someone remarkable to ignite that passion within me. Only because the passion exists; it's just difficult to display it to the whole world constantly.

And as I found someone who seemed to be worth the effort, I kept wondering why so many things keep getting in the way. And I can't help but think it's some sort of practical joke. Life switching around the roles, making me play the field, either to teach me what it feels like to be on the other side of the table or simply helping me realize that this one might be a keeper, this one just might be it.

Then again, there's only so much one person can do. So where's the fine line between showing effort and trying too hard? Yet another question that I'm currently struggling with. Not because I'm extremely invested in the situation, but because I'm not used to being invested at all. Since I've somehow been able to put myself out there and show effort, I'm forced to believe that this must be the real thing. If you want it bad enough, you'll work for it; but at some point, you have to let go for your own sanity. It can't always be all up to you; sometimes handing the power over to someone else proves to be necessary.

"We all have our nights though, don't be so ashamed. I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know. You've seen all my mistakes, so look me in my eyes."

Speaking of mistakes, I think we all do a remarkable job of making mistakes without the help of vicious rumors, hurtful instigation or false embellishment. However, the people that genuinely care will approach you to hear your side of the story. As for the rest, they would have been a waste of breath anyway. At the end of the day, people will believe what they want, but it just goes to show who was on your side to begin with.

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."

A Thousand Forests From One Acorn

Progress. Isn't that what we all strive for at the end of the day? To get better at that one skill, to do better at work, to do better at school, to make better decisions. Isn't that what life is about? To grow into a better version of yourself.

But who can really be the judge of your progress? Sure your boss can praise you or your teacher can give you a better grade, but personal development doesn't work that way. No one else can dictate your goals, and no one else is going to pat you on the back for reaching them. You must motivate yourself.

I have found that running away, avoidance, isn't the path to growth. It's when you are able to face the temptation and turn it down that you know you've done something right. That's my way of tracking my own progress, and I must say, I'm pleased with the results. I'm not saying it's easy by any means, but the right decisions are usually the toughest. Without struggle, there is no progress.

It's never too late to be who you might have been.

Not much has changed, yet things suddenly seem so much different now. I'm unable to comprehend how the wrongs ever seemed so right or how the ease was ever so difficult.

Perhaps, we just see what we want to see, whether it's people or situations. When you're upset with someone, it's beyond easy to focus on their negative qualities and neglect the positives. Or when considering getting back with an ex, all you can remember are the laughter and butterflies. If and when you get back together, you usually remember why it didn't work out the first time.

How does someone seem no less than perfect one instant and completely lose all of their appeal the next? Perhaps because we do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.

I guess we're all just living in our own illusion of reality, our own distorted versions of life.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Faith. It's what gets us through life, whether it's faith in ourselves or others. Either way, it is gained from what we see, what we experience. Although we see fucked up relationships that are doomed from the start, there is always that one couple that assures us that true love does exist. Although we have dealt with back-stabbers and two-faced bitches, we have had that one friend that we could always turn to, no matter what. The friendships that make us believe that relationships, platonic or not, can last through time. It is possible to grow with someone rather than grow apart.

Even though it's perfectly fine, normal even, to gain faith through these people that give us hope, what if even that one relationship goes awry? Whether it's the person you have been on and off with for years or your absolute best friend.

Whether things work out and go back to normal or not, one should always be able to find faith in themselves.

Where does that hope arise from? Possibly our self-esteem and confidence. As much as we'd like to think that we're content with ourselves, there is always that one little thing we want to change. We see one beautiful person walk by, and just for moment, we wish that we looked like them, that we were them. And if that's not the case, if you are honestly, truly content with yourself, imagine if you no longer had that one feature you love about yourself. What if your perfect skin suddenly got break-outs? What if your cosmetologist messed up your perfectly arched eyebrows? What if you suddenly lost inches of your long, silky hair?

"Confidence is key. Sometimes, you need to look like you're confident even when you're not." -Vanessa Hudgens

I recently decided to chop off my hair. I've gone through many changes with my hair these past few years. I went from extremely long to short to bob to shorter bob, and now, I somehow managed to go even shorter. I didn't think it would be a drastic change since my hair was already short, and I had become accustomed to it. However, I suddenly found myself feeling insecure, a feeling I haven't experienced in quite some time. Recently, I've been content with myself. But suddenly, with this haircut, I have found myself second-guessing those ancient insecurities. I no longer have anything to hide behind. I am out there for the world to see, flaws and insecurities included.

Yet, I don't regret it. I chose to do this. I feel like there is some kind of a race to change. I would rather make changes myself, willingly, than to have life spring something unexpected onto me. I get bored, and I need something different at all times. I like to put myself outside of my comfort zone so I can grow and progress.

"Don't be afraid of change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something better."

I might not have someone to constantly have faith in at all times and I might sometimes second guess my faith and confidence in myself, but at the end of the day, if I am making positive changes and decisions, I think I'll be alright.

"Acceptance of one's self is the first step to real beauty."

Miles to Go

There is always going to be something we're not quite sure of, some kind of doubt, some insecurity. What, or who, gets us past these are the people and things we know we can always count on. Whether it's your best friend, family, faith, or even a hobby, we all have something to turn to. What happens when you find that you are no longer able to count on them?

What happens when you realize that the people, places, things, and activities that once brought slight peace and happiness no longer do. Instead, you find yourself irritated and annoyed because things simply don't feel right. Nothing feels right. Are we just supposed to wander aimlessly until we finally find something that provides us with a glimpse of the same comfort that we're used to? Or do we force ourselves to love the newly found discomfort because we don't know who/what else to turn to?

As much as I'd like to blame the whole rest of the world, it's perhaps more rational that it's something I'm going through and not everyone else. Perhaps a phase that is leading to a new transformation?

Mixed Signals?

We often overlook what's always been right in front of us in the pursuit of others. But one simple encounter can transform everything. All we need is one person to make us realize that what we once thought was impossible suddenly seems to be within our reach. And just when we begin to believe it, things begin to change. A transition in the midst of our transformation just leaves us in utter confusion.



Confusion can really take a toll on a person, on their minds, their actions, and everything in between. I think half of the insane psychotic things people do is simply to find out what's going on in the minds of others.

Not knowing where you stand with someone can be the most difficult and painfully excruciating position to be in. Getting mixed signals doesn't really help either.


The most important thing is to remain true to yourself. That way, it doesn't really matter what someone else is thinking or feeling. Okay, it may still matter, but at the end of the day, you have the satisfaction of knowing that the changes were worth it.



Do people ever really change? They can, and whether it's for the better or worst, the change is usually ignited by someone else, someone who matters enough. We might break our own rules thinking certain people will be worth it, but the moment things begin to change, we start to rethink it all.

Positive change is always good. Even if things don't work out, you're left a better person, and nothing is more valuable than that. However, other changes aren't as desirable. Especially when you begin to change your beliefs and ideals. Make sure whatever/whoever you're changing for is worth it.

The true test: would you be making the same decisions if things were going differently?

"It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change."

Return to sanity

I realize that I haven't updated in a while. I'm not sure if that's due to the lack of inspiration or the overwhelming abundance of things going on in my head.

I tend to go through phases in my life. I go through phases with my makeup. One day, I'm into eyeliner and the next day I'm all about eyeshadow. I go through phases with my jewelry. I'm either really into earrings or necklaces or rings. My recent phase has been my "me time". No, I'm not being anti-social. There is just so much that I want to change and so much that I want to do, and I guess I've been contemplating on how to achieve all of it.

I am a confident person, but I've been doubting myself a lot lately. I realize that this needs to change. I also tend to think too much. I need to stop thinking so much and just go for things. I'm taking the start of this next school year (starting Monday) as a new beginning. I have a lot I want to do this year. It's gonna be a busy year to say the least. But I'm ready for it, and not only ready, but excited. I will be trying new things, putting myself out of my comfort zone, and hopefully learning from it all and becoming a better person.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." -Neale Donald Walsch







Oh, another phase of mine has been making jewelry. It's on and off too. Last night, I got the urge to make a few necklaces randomly. Perhaps my lack of writing caused me to resort to some other form of expression.









One of the necklaces I made last night. Like it?

Zendagi Migzara

Life Goes On.

Change is so unpredictable. It is necessary, and yet at times, it seems like the worst thing that can happen. You just have to learn to deal with it, I guess. Because no matter what happens, life goes on. So, we need to stop dwelling on the past. I think that's what I need to work on. I need to stop dwelling on the past. Things just always seem better when I'm looking back at them. I tend to remember all the good stuff but neglect the bad that came with it. I can't live in the past. It's time to move on.



However, this does not mean that I will completely disregard the past. I would not be the person I am without the choices that I have made and the situations I have been through. Or as Eleanor Roosevelt said,

"I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday."

A big part of moving on is leaving certain people behind. That's the most difficult, especially when someone was once a big part of your life. But we all have to realize that things change, and no matter what you do, you can't hold that person back, especially when they don't want you to. No matter what happens, certain people just mean a lot to us, whether we like it or not.

If someone has been with us through tough times, we tend to associate them with happiness or a way to get away from everything. And we try to keep them around for that reason alone. At the same time, we try to leave people behind because we are afraid of getting stuck in the past. Truth is, sometimes we need the heroes of our past to play just a small, insignificant role in our present. Talking to them everyone once in a while or even seeing them provides us with the comfort and security that we all seek. Whether these people remain in our lives or not, the memories will forever remain with us.

Friends Forever or Friends For Now?

My life has changed drastically over the past couple of years. I've learned a lot, matured, and grown up. The sad part is, many of the people that I thought would be in my life forever, or at least for a very long time, no longer are. We're all constantly changing, so it seems utterly impossible to expect others to keep up. There are certain friends that will be by your side throughout your life, and I have been lucky enough to find a couple of those. I guess those are the ones that are changing and growing with me, while others either get stuck or move toward the opposite direction.

Are we just supposed to accept that things change and let go or should we try to keep them in our lives?

I recently spent time with a couple of friends who I went from seeing almost every single day to not seeing at all for about a year. I used to consider them some of my best friends until the drama kicked in. I figured we would eventually fix things, but it never happened. When I hung out with them recently, it was nice. I don't expect things to go back to the way they were, but it's nice to be cool again, to be able to hang out, and just talk. There's always a certain comfort level you have with some people, no matter what happens. At the same time, trying to rekindle friendships can go very wrong. Sometimes, things are just weird and awkward, and you realize that it's not easy to forget everything that happened.

I guess everyone isn't worth the effort. There are certain people that we just need to let go of, while there are others that we need to keep around. The difficult part is knowing which one is which.



Speaking of friendship, a really good friend of mine basically made my day by telling me what she thinks about me as a person. I try to the best person I can be, and if I can make the slightest difference in someone's life, that means the world to me.

"Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives that we touch" -Remember Me