A Song Only You Can Hear

I've always been fascinated with the idea of time. How it has the ability to heal certain wounds and not others. How does so much change with time yet nothing really changes at all? How is it that in certain cases, even a lifetime couldn't be enough yet in other situations, a single moment can change it all?

How can just a few days with someone be nearly enough to lower the guard you have put up for years? How can a few moments of honesty suddenly vanquish the wall that was made sturdier day by day? How can one moment transform an entire relationship, transform it into something you've always been against and it suddenly seem alright. The worries and hesitancies suddenly disappear and for once, you actually find yourself living in the moment. You find yourself enjoying your days rather than stressing about the upcoming consequences. Your rational self is unexpectedly being spontaneous and rather than thinking everything through, all you can do is feel your emotions. It's like some kind of movie, because this just can't be real life.

And just like that, in only a matter of days, hours, moments, things suddenly go back to normal. Things go back to the way they've always been, but it will never quite be the same; you will never quite be the same.

The movie's over, and all you can do is relive it through all of the wonderful memories.

"The suffering that might come from a mistake is usually less intense and less enduring than the suffering of wondering what could have been."

Even the Wrong Words Seem to Rhyme

Life is funny sometimes. We see others, at their best and worst, and we tell ourselves that we will never be "that girl", "that guy" or "that person". We claim to not be judgmental, but let's get real, we all do it. And before we know it, we find ourselves becoming the person we despised, the person we swore we'd never be.

Sometimes we find ourselves fighting for the things that don't seem to be worth the struggle to anyone else. Other times, we find ourselves trying to ignore the obvious, simply because it conflicts with the perfect vision playing in our heads. We do irrational things that we didn't know we were capable of. In the process, we end up surprising ourselves, but in the end, we realize our worth.

Just as it's not fair to ignore the bad in a person for the good, it also isn't fair to ignore the good because of a few bad decisions. When you spend time with a person, talk to them, get to know them, you get a feel for who they are and what they stand for. You realize how much they could possibly mean to you and whether that's worth putting up with their worst.

They say that when mistakes are repeated, they are no longer considered mistakes but rather a reflection of character; I beg to differ. Some things take longer to set in, and repetition can do the trick. Certain repercussions seem to be more clear the second time around. And when they are repeated, they can no longer be ignored.

Most people end up living in regret- regretting all bad choices and wrong decisions, over-analyzing everything that could have been done differently. But the bad choices only lead to better ones. They help us grow, learn and become better versions of ourselves.

"If you've never fallen, you will never know what it's like to get up."

Never Backed Down

As much as our connectedness amazes me, I have begun to despise the idea of dependence. Throughout the past few years, I’ve made a conscious effort to avoid having to rely on others. I’ve learned to make myself happy instead of looking for happiness in others. I’ve learned to care for myself, and if there’s something I really want, well I go out and get it, on my own of course.

I have always taken pride in this trait as I see my friends hurt, because the person they once relied on might be leaving. I heard others go on and on about losing their best friends or finding out that they were never true friends to begin with. I’ve seen the ugliest breakups and heartaches and always took pride in the fact that I did not have to go through that, and I would make sure that I never did.

Yet today, I find myself questioning this independence that I have found. Does it conflict with the forming of meaningful relationships? How meaningful could the relationship be if I wasn’t hurt by it ending? How much did I truly care if I’m able to distract myself with my demanding career, rigorous workout routine or even newly found replacements?

After all, it shouldn’t be necessary to choose between finding happiness within yourself and happiness in others. Perhaps, like most other things, one must find a balance. Extremes are never good news, no matter which way you lean.

"Don't depend too much on anyone in this world, because even your shadow leaves you in the dark."

Nothing Like the Rest, Darling

Inspiration. It drives us to discover new aspects of ourselves, to achieve or make things that might not have even crossed our minds had it not been for that one instant. I get inspired from words, thoughts, people, places, sounds, pretty much everything I can sense, anything I can feel.

But inspiration isn't merely finding something you adore and taking it, claiming it to be your own. Rather inspiration is finding something you adore and transforming it to suit your ideas and lifestyle. Taking something and making it your own by weaving it with your own aesthetic, putting your unique signature on it. Adding that twist that truly makes it yours and prevents anyone else from claiming it.

No two people see the world the same way. No matter how many similarities may exist, we all interpret things differently. Therefore, it's almost impossible to have identical thoughts or ideas.

Spending a lot of time with someone or getting to know another deeply can bring you closer, with it bringing similarities. However, no matter how deep a relationship, it's important to remain individuals simultaneously. Whether it's a close friend or significant other, there's no reason to lose sense of who you are, your uniqueness.

We often mistake looking up to someone as wanting to be them, which is not the case. If you admire someone, work to achieve their accomplishments, by all means, but in the ways that relate to your dreams, aspirations, personality, in a way that remains you.

By sacrificing your sense of individuality, not only are you losing your identity, but also stealing theirs.

Wrecking and Ruining

As people, we're always evolving. They say that life isn't about finding yourself, but rather creating yourself. But what happens when you start losing sight of yourself?

You know who you are. You know your desires, passions, hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes. You know yourself. Yet, your decisions are no longer a reflection of your personality. When your actions no longer reflect your values and beliefs. When you lose connection with the people and things that once mattered most. When you just don't feel the way you once did. Yet you continue to fulfill your daily responsibilities, so you fail to see it happening.

It's almost like walking around broken, living life halfway, yet no one can see it. Only the closest dear ones can sense the change, yet only you can fix it.

Such drastic changes usually occur after a traumatizing event. But what if it suddenly catches up to you years later? Could it have been the stress of everything? Or rather the pressure of always holding it together? Perhaps it was the unresolved issues from the past resurfacing.

Either way, change is necessary. Here's to returning priority to the people and things that matter and avoiding the harmful.

Felt with the Heart

Whether we're in a good mood or a bad mood, whether we feel like we're on top of the world or down in the dumps, we search for someone to share it with. We seek someone to share our joys and sorrows, whether it's a lover or best friend. And I'm guilty of this.

I have a few go-to people of my own, the ones I share everything with. If I make a mistake, they help me fix it. And if I happen to do something right, they help me celebrate. Most of the time, I either need to hear myself vent in order to get my thoughts together or need reassurance that I'm not insane for the things going on inside my head. Although there's nothing wrong with that, since sharing happiness only spreads it and sharing sadness only lessens it, what we often fail to realize is that no one can truly feel what you're feeling.

They often say, "You just had to be there." But the truth is, everyone experiences things in their own way. We all perceive things differently; everything we see and hear is biased by our thoughts, opinions and past experiences.

As far as feelings are concerned, those are even tougher to grasp, out of reach even. You can describe every detail, repeat every spoken word and depict every slight movement or gesture to the one that seems to understand you the most, yet it is impossible for them to identify precisely what occurred during that brief moment in time.

It's often the indescribable details that depict more than words or actions, such as the butterflies in your stomach caused by someone's presence or the pounding of your heart initiated by their gaze. Or the honesty evident on someone's face, the slight glistening in their eyes, the heart-warming smile that makes you melt or the warmth felt by their embrace. Like they say, it's the little things that make the biggest difference.

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

So is it really someone else's place to tell you when to give up or when to keep trying or who's worth the effort and who isn't? Does anyone else truly have the ability to determine what's significant and what isn't? As much as we are all in need of agreement or some sort of consolation, can others really know what's best for you?

Although there's nothing wrong with seeking comfort or advice from the ones we trust, don't let their opinions overpower your own. At the end of the day, you will be the one living with your decisions, no one else.

I have always known what I wanted, and that was beauty...in every form.

Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.

Hand in Hand

Lately, I've been consumed with thoughts about human relationships. What exactly is it that brings people together or tears us apart? Yes, many times it is situational; however, there are times when it feels like there is something stronger that either attracts us toward one another or away from one another.

It amazes me how much we are able to care about people we barely know. We can sit there and replay events in our heads only to over-analyze every word and every move. We can spend hours wondering whether there is a slight chance that our actions are being reciprocated. Yet, meanwhile, we tend to overlook those that care the most about us.

What is it that makes a stranger feel so familiar while others seem to be getting more and more distant? What is it about certain people that make us want what we always ran away from? How is it so hard to let go of something that never even felt significant for a moment yet we are able to magically dismiss what has been holding us back for years?

We go out of our way for those that pay us no attention and don't give a second thought to those that go out of their way for us. At the end of the day, we all want the same things. We want to be surrounded by those that truly care about us. So what is it that makes the chase so desirable?

I have the tendency to always want what I can't have and disregard what is right in front of me. I am currently making a conscience effort to break this ugly habit. Although I'm trying, my heart just doesn't seem to be in it. Isn't there a reason some catch our attention as opposed to others or why some have the ability to have us doing things we normally would not? Just because something looks right on paper doesn't mean it will feel right in the heart.

Leading me to the never-ending battle between the head and the heart. It's not so easy to convince yourself to feel a certain way, just as it isn't easy to make yourself stop feeling a certain way.

"Man is a knot into which relationships are tied."

Series of Almosts

You can meet someone that has everything you could want in a friend/companion and more, yet if one little thing is off, if one little piece is missing, it ruins the appeal of all other qualities they possess. I'm not saying this is fair in any way, shape, or form, but let's face it, it's reality.

There is always a distinction between the head and the heart, thoughts and feelings. Although I tend to be logical most of the time, granted my imagination and creativity do get the best of me at times, I cannot get myself to ever disregard feelings. To me, if something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Unfortunately, it's not something I have control over. I can't force myself to feel a certain way. There's always that possibility of feelings changing over time, yet nothing is guaranteed.

It's when certain feelings, or lack thereof, hinder other relationships that is truly saddening.

Not only does this apply to people, but also life on a larger scale.

Life is a puzzle. All of the pieces have to fit just right in order to attain happiness. One missing piece leaves it all incomplete.

Incomplete. It's weird, I have been able to achieve a lot recently. I've been super involved, crazy busy and productive. I've met many of the goals that I had set for myself, yet there is still something missing. Somehow, that one missing piece takes away from the many pieces that I have worked hard to acquire.

Going back to people, as frustrating as it can be to be on different pages with someone, it's just as relieving to realize that your feelings toward someone are mutual and to see your actions reciprocated.

Some possibilities seem to be within reach. The only problem is, when something goes really well, everything else seems to go downhill, in my life at least. I can hope that this is the exception and it's finally time that all the pieces fall together, yet I can't help but think destruction is inevitable. Is the one missing piece really worth losing all the others? Only time will tell, and my impatience is not helping.

A Little Sunshine

As I went for a swim this afternoon in my neighborhood pool, I finally spoke to someone I often see. We usually just exchange friendly smiles and casual hellos. As we began talking today, she realized that we often see each other at the gym and responded, "Oh, you're the runner." Trust me, I'm far from a "runner" but I am getting there.

My point? It suddenly hit me that every action really does make more of an impact than we think. Sometimes, we do things that are out of the ordinary, things that aren't true to our character, things that aren't "us". At times they are positive and other times negative. We can rationalize the negative decisions by assuring ourselves that it was just a one-time thing. But what about that person that only knows us from seeing us at that one moment?

That's the impact you made on that person. That is how they will think of you. That is how they will remember you. If someone only sees me running at the gym, they will think of me as a runner. Likewise, if someone only sees me at the library studying, they will probably think I'm a nerd. It's all about context; not everyone knows the whole story.

It's true that every action has a reaction. It's also true that every action makes an impact, whether we realize it or not. It's just the severity of the impact that varies.

I failed to mention earlier that my new friend is significantly older. Surprisingly, I was intrigued by her stories rather than bored. She has been through a lot, to say the least, and yet she is still open to new opportunities. Inspiring, right? There is so much that I have managed to convince myself wasn't meant for me, not right now at least. But that's the wrong mindset. It's important to be open to the possibilities and welcome the opportunities as they arise with open arms. It's the only way to experience, feel, live.

What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Faith. It's what gets us through life, whether it's faith in ourselves or others. Either way, it is gained from what we see, what we experience. Although we see fucked up relationships that are doomed from the start, there is always that one couple that assures us that true love does exist. Although we have dealt with back-stabbers and two-faced bitches, we have had that one friend that we could always turn to, no matter what. The friendships that make us believe that relationships, platonic or not, can last through time. It is possible to grow with someone rather than grow apart.

Even though it's perfectly fine, normal even, to gain faith through these people that give us hope, what if even that one relationship goes awry? Whether it's the person you have been on and off with for years or your absolute best friend.

Whether things work out and go back to normal or not, one should always be able to find faith in themselves.

Where does that hope arise from? Possibly our self-esteem and confidence. As much as we'd like to think that we're content with ourselves, there is always that one little thing we want to change. We see one beautiful person walk by, and just for moment, we wish that we looked like them, that we were them. And if that's not the case, if you are honestly, truly content with yourself, imagine if you no longer had that one feature you love about yourself. What if your perfect skin suddenly got break-outs? What if your cosmetologist messed up your perfectly arched eyebrows? What if you suddenly lost inches of your long, silky hair?

"Confidence is key. Sometimes, you need to look like you're confident even when you're not." -Vanessa Hudgens

I recently decided to chop off my hair. I've gone through many changes with my hair these past few years. I went from extremely long to short to bob to shorter bob, and now, I somehow managed to go even shorter. I didn't think it would be a drastic change since my hair was already short, and I had become accustomed to it. However, I suddenly found myself feeling insecure, a feeling I haven't experienced in quite some time. Recently, I've been content with myself. But suddenly, with this haircut, I have found myself second-guessing those ancient insecurities. I no longer have anything to hide behind. I am out there for the world to see, flaws and insecurities included.

Yet, I don't regret it. I chose to do this. I feel like there is some kind of a race to change. I would rather make changes myself, willingly, than to have life spring something unexpected onto me. I get bored, and I need something different at all times. I like to put myself outside of my comfort zone so I can grow and progress.

"Don't be afraid of change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something better."

I might not have someone to constantly have faith in at all times and I might sometimes second guess my faith and confidence in myself, but at the end of the day, if I am making positive changes and decisions, I think I'll be alright.

"Acceptance of one's self is the first step to real beauty."

Midnight Cravings

Isn't it true that when we're down, we secretly hope that someone will magically take away all our pain and worries and somehow make everything better? Secretly because we'd all like to think that we have it all under control and help from others is utterly unnecessary. But an honest confession to ourselves could sometimes require us to dig deep into our past. It's only reasonable to assume that if someone once made you smile, they have the ability to do it again.

But if that's the case, how is one supposed to differentiate between just wanting someone to fill a void and actually wanting someone, that person, back in their lives? How do you know if you're just seeking comfort at that moment or something a bit more constant?

It's all in our heads. We can convince ourselves to go either way, but if we, ourselves, are leaning towards one side, doesn't that preference alone make the distinction?

Under what circumstances is it okay for us to cave into our desires and dive back into our past for just a few minutes? Is it a sign of weakness, something that could hinder us from moving forward, or just a friendly reminder we all need once in a while?

Glimmer of Hope

Even in the darkest hours, a beam of light magically appears, a glimmer of hope that things just might get better. It doesn't have to be anything major. Instead, just a slight sign will do.

It's really easy to give up on people, even on the ones that mean the most to us. Our selfishness, frustration, and impatience can sometimes get the best of us. It doesn't make you a bad person by any means. However, the truth is, even if only a few out of a million words get through to a person, it just might be worth it. By no means is that a waste as long as something is getting through, as long as there is some remote chance of improvement.

And that moment when things do get through is priceless. That feeling of connecting with that person, the unity, is indescribable.

Miles to Go

There is always going to be something we're not quite sure of, some kind of doubt, some insecurity. What, or who, gets us past these are the people and things we know we can always count on. Whether it's your best friend, family, faith, or even a hobby, we all have something to turn to. What happens when you find that you are no longer able to count on them?

What happens when you realize that the people, places, things, and activities that once brought slight peace and happiness no longer do. Instead, you find yourself irritated and annoyed because things simply don't feel right. Nothing feels right. Are we just supposed to wander aimlessly until we finally find something that provides us with a glimpse of the same comfort that we're used to? Or do we force ourselves to love the newly found discomfort because we don't know who/what else to turn to?

As much as I'd like to blame the whole rest of the world, it's perhaps more rational that it's something I'm going through and not everyone else. Perhaps a phase that is leading to a new transformation?

Holding on Too Tightly

When we care about someone, we want what's best for them. Naturally, we look out for them and want to keep them away from harm and danger.

It's understandable. However, it's also important to understand, that at the end of the day, everyone has to make their own decisions. It might be our duty to warn them, to inform them about possible consequences, but it's their life and they have the right to make their own choices. You can't make decisions for others, especially when it's evident that your choices contradict their wishes.

But what happens when the person making the decision for you happens to be the only one that has any control over the situation? When you know what you want and the only person standing in the way is the one that you are willing to take the risk for. When you know that they are pushing you away for your own benefit, but what they don't realize is that they are hurting you in the process. Pain that could possibly be worse than what they are trying to protect you from.

What happens when you are so close to what you want, everything finally working out, all of it finally seems to be within reach, yet you no longer have any control over the situation.



The past is now part of my future. The present is well out of hand.

Mixed Signals?

We often overlook what's always been right in front of us in the pursuit of others. But one simple encounter can transform everything. All we need is one person to make us realize that what we once thought was impossible suddenly seems to be within our reach. And just when we begin to believe it, things begin to change. A transition in the midst of our transformation just leaves us in utter confusion.



Confusion can really take a toll on a person, on their minds, their actions, and everything in between. I think half of the insane psychotic things people do is simply to find out what's going on in the minds of others.

Not knowing where you stand with someone can be the most difficult and painfully excruciating position to be in. Getting mixed signals doesn't really help either.


The most important thing is to remain true to yourself. That way, it doesn't really matter what someone else is thinking or feeling. Okay, it may still matter, but at the end of the day, you have the satisfaction of knowing that the changes were worth it.



Do people ever really change? They can, and whether it's for the better or worst, the change is usually ignited by someone else, someone who matters enough. We might break our own rules thinking certain people will be worth it, but the moment things begin to change, we start to rethink it all.

Positive change is always good. Even if things don't work out, you're left a better person, and nothing is more valuable than that. However, other changes aren't as desirable. Especially when you begin to change your beliefs and ideals. Make sure whatever/whoever you're changing for is worth it.

The true test: would you be making the same decisions if things were going differently?

"It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change."

All Smiles

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until the day they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin



I've always been against the idea of letting others affect how I feel. Simply because I don't like giving others the ability, the power to get me down.

However, as irrational as this may sound, giving others that power can actually help you learn more about yourself. It gives us the opportunity to grow. We could experience something we thought we never would, feel something we thought we were incapable of, or even find something that we thought wasn't meant for us. Granted the experience could be negative, it still shows us that we are capable of more, or less, than we assume.

We often underestimate ourselves or simply comply with the idea that some things aren't meant for us. Sometimes, we need someone to show us how untrue that can be.

"It's the rule of life: everything you've always waited for comes the very second you stop looking for it."

Three

People come and people leave. I believe that God carefully places and removes people from our lives. I believe that there is a lesson to learn from everyone that walks in to our lives. There is a method to the madness. It's all part of a master plan that we are unable to comprehend, not at the time at least.

Sometimes we lose people only to get over it and move on. Other times, we lose the people that hold our world together, our glue. Once they're gone, everything seems to fall apart. But as they say, life goes on; it doesn't stop for anyone. Slowly but surely, at some point, we have to learn to put our world back together, whether it's on our own or with the help of some loved ones. I have found that after losing the glue, it's really difficult to depend on others to make everything okay. Somehow, loss manages to instill a fear of losing other things, the rest of the people that matter most.

"Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us when we live."

I'm afraid this fear will cause me to miss out on all the good stuff the world has to offer. I'm afraid of depending on someone, letting someone in, getting too close, because I would be too scared to lose them too.

Today is three years since I lost my glue, and I honestly don't know how I'm still breathing or how I've managed to survive three whole years. I lost the one person that understood me better than anyone else, the one that always believed in me, always saw more potential in me than you could ever imagine, loved me unconditionally, was always there, the list goes on but I'm sure you get the idea.



"It all just seems so fake. This idea that good things happen to good people and there's magic in the world, and that the meek and righteous will inherit it. There's too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true. There are too many prayers that go unanswered. Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is, and we tell ourselves that it's all going to be okay, 'You're going to be okay.' But it's not okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no magic in the world, at least today there isn't."

High Aspirations, Moderate Expectations

When you love someone, care about someone, it's only natural to have expectations for them. You want the best for them, or your idea of what's best at least. And being on the other side, if you care about someone, you want to live up to their expectations. You want to please them, make them proud. There's nothing wrong with that except eventually you stop living for yourself and start living for others.

When is it okay to stop? For me, as soon as the thought of it crosses my mind, the guilt begins to consume me. If I start making decisions just for myself, with no consideration to the ones I love, am I not being selfish?

A good friend once said to me that the best relationships are those where you don't want anything from each other, don't expect anything. It's when you're there to simply talk, listen, and be there for each other, nothing more. No expectations, no judgement. That's when you can be yourself and accept each other for who you truly are.



Live your life. Whether it's for yourself or others, that's your decision.

Also, because we're only hours from New Years Eve, it only makes sense for me to at least mention it. Call me crazy, but I'm not big on this whole New Years thing, never have been. If you want change, it comes everyday. Resolutions, reflections, it happens everyday. You don't have to wait for the year to end and a new one to begin for all that. But I have learned a lot this year and grown tremendously. I'm hoping to learn, grow, and experience even more in 2011.



I've already decided that this year will be a good year.

Lost the Love I Loved the Most

Angry, upset, disappointed. Some of the worst feelings, all at once.




I'm an optimist. I haven't had the perfect life, trust me, but somehow I've managed to make the best out of the situations I have found myself in. Similarly, I also tend to find the good in people. I manage to trust most people, even the ones that don't deserve it. In the end, trust yourself, and only yourself. Lesson learned. Unfortunately, most people are merely looking out for themselves. Everyone has their own motives. You are responsible for your actions and decisions; you're the one that will have to live with the consequences. No one else. It's really easy to blame everyone except yourself and find excuses in an attempt to justify yourself. It's even easier to completely avoid the situation as a whole, but it's when you are able to take responsibility for what happened that you can truly be respected.

Also, it's important to reconsider the positions of those select few who are placed on pedestals. Those people that can never do wrong. The ones that are not capable of causing harm. The ones that would never do anything to hurt you. Don't forget, they are human, after all. Even they are capable of making mistakes, all of which are not worthy of forgiveness.





In the end, it's not about what you do. What's more important is how you handle yourself after the fact. Believe it or not, that makes all the difference.



"May the bridges I burn light the way."

Perfection is a Flaw

As I was trying to find the right beads to make jewelry, I realized that it's the flawed ones that I'm more attracted to. The ones that are a bit damaged, those are the ones that are truly unique.

Isn't that how people are too? Not that anyone is perfect, but just the thought of a perfect person annoys me. Perfection is boring. It's frustrating. Just like the beads, our flaws are what make us unique. They make us lovable, approachable. Everyone just needs to accept themselves, for what they are, the good and the bad. Only then can we expect to be accepted by others.

People try to hide their imperfections in order to blend in, to be "normal", to be accepted, to be like everyone else out there.I hate seeing people pretending to be something else just for others. Hate is a strong word, I know. And it's also true that we all strive for acceptance, but is the acceptance really worth it if you can't even be yourself? And if everyone was perfect, we would all be the same. What's the fun in that?

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must be unique."